Speak no Feeling
by Loloreads
Summary: Hide and Seek. A/U EWE? OOC, drug use WIP
1. Spin

**A/N: I didn't Beta this so all the mistakes are mine :)**

**Speak no feeling**

"Not even waiting till you've had breakfast then."

Hermione rolled her eyes and uncapped the top of her water bottle. Glancing quickly up at the sonogram picture stuck in the side of her vanity mirror she turned slowly with the Oxytocin firmly placed in between her bottom and top teeth.

"Hello Harry, how are you this morning" she said muffled, with an air of annoyance. Dramatically sucking in her pill and taking a sip of water she stood up and walked past him into her kitchen and popping toast into her toaster.

"Hermione I'm…_we're _worried about you," Gesturing to a pregnant Ginny who looked at Hermione with sad eyes.

"You're obviously not eating enough, and popping those pills like Bertie Botts. I've seen your medicine cupboard, and spoken to your healer at Saint Mungos, the only prescription that is still active is your Klonopin."

Hermione froze at that. No one can know what she's taking or how she's getting her other pills. It's the only thing getting through her days. Taking a deep breath she lit the flame under her kettle and spun around to face him. Only one other person knows how she fills her need for muggle drugs, and it's surprisingly through a wizard.

"Harry! That is private information!" feeling accosted and scared she was about to throw them out when Ginny spoke "What Harry is trying to say is that we're concerned for you, and we want you to stop living this life and get help."

Hermione knew her life was spiraling out of control. The only times she felt in control was when she wasn't lucid by either being drunk or high on muggle drugs.

"Those people you're constantly photographed with, Hermione, your "friends" are dragging you down." Pausing to regain his composure he pinched the bridge of his nose, something he did when annoyed. Taking a deep breath he threw a folded copy of The Daily Prophet onto her kitchen table turned to _Page Seven_ the gossip column that Rita Skitter had taken to writing.

**Hermione Granger Fallen Golden Trio Princess**

_Of all the things to come out of the demise of Voldemort, Hermione Granger falling into step with wizarding societies out casted Purebloods was not one that anyone saw coming. Seen here with, Blaise Zabini, Theodore Nott, Pansy Parkinson, Tracey Davies, Marcus Flint and Adrian Pucey at Pureblood hot spot Pure last night looking worse for the wear._

The photo pictured was completely unflattering in Hermiones opinion.

She was laying on Zabini, his arm wrapped around her waist and Theos on her thigh. Her eyes told she was as high as a kite. Her legs were half off the couch and the only reason they touched the ground was because her heels were 5 inches and the platform was 3. Luckily her dress was tight and her legs were bent at an awkward angle, so she didn't have to worry about anyone seeing anything. She noted it looked like she just passed out, which was only half true. The picture showed Blaise leaning down and whispering something in her ear and her nodding and Theos hand reaching out to stand her up.

"_She was drunk when she walked in, and ordered a dry martini knocking it back in one glup" noted the bar back, Gregory Goyle. Many speculate that her decline started with the tragic loss…._

Hermione crumpled the paper. She wasn't reading that, she lived it every single second of every single day of her miserable existence.

Noting her agitation Harry spoke up "I know how hard it's been for you."

Wrong thing to say.

"You know Harry? Good! Then you know what I feel every day then, yeah?" Hermione clenched her teeth to the point of breaking. "You know what it's like to hate yourself so much that it's better to numb yourself till you pass out?" Harry's eyes went wide and his face went pale.

"You know what it's like to have your boyfriend blame you for what happened then? Cause you took your car instead of using the floo and it was raining which caused the hydroplaning that threw the car into oncoming traffic and flipping over the guardrail and into trees?" Hermione rushed out and let a sob escape her lips before continuing. "So you know the pain of glass embedding your face and the sound of your eye socket hitting the steering wheel and breaking? You know the pain of your rib snapping and puncturing your lung, the feeling of your hip breaking after hitting your door which hit the tree that stopped the rolling of the car? You remember the feeling of your child moving frantically around in your stomach and then slowly stopping and you knew you were too late? You remember coming to and seeing the love of your life in your hospital room with his bags packed saying that your child was dead because of you and your MUGGLE death trap and that he was leaving to go to Romania and didn't know when he would be back. You know how that's been."

Breathing in a cleansing breath, she took in the scene around her. Her kettle was whistling and her toast had popped. Ginny was absentmindedly rubbing her swollen stomach and Harry was as pale as the white wall he was standing in front of.

"Hermione I…" Harry began. "I think you should see someone aside from your **pills** and **alcohol** and whatever the **HELL **you do with Zabini and Nott." He looked up and saw the Hermiones eyes start to go glossy, the "tell" that the drugs worked its way into her blood stream. Holding up his hand he said "You're obviously not going to listen now, read these later and call me."

Ginny made to hug Hermione goodbye but she stopped her. While happy for Ginny she couldn't take being around a pregnant woman for very long. Harry hugged Hermione and kissed her on the cheek before shutting the gas off and removing the kettle. Walking towards her fireplace with Ginny in tow harry stopped and turned around.

"We're only doing this because we love you"

With a pinch of powder and swirling green flames Harry was gone.

"What Ron did was unforgivable Hermione; please know that I'm on your side." Ginny patted Hermione and stepped into her fireplace and out of Hermiones way for the day.

Heading over to the liquor cabinet she took out a bottle of Ogdens Finest and took a swig. Letting the bottle rest on her lips she wondered what the girls were up to today.


	2. Just a sad song with nothing to say

A/N: My idea for this came from gossip girl but a more messed up version.

Warnings: drug use, sex, and all sorts of illicit things in this chapter so read with caution if your triggered by stuff DON'T READ.

* * *

The loud moans of sex were the only noise echoing throughout the empty halls of Malfoy Manor. The sound of skin slapping against skin is the only indication that someone still called the cold walls of this massive property home.

In an ornate room donned with a massive four poster bed Theodore Nott was wasting his morning plowing Lavender Brown. "Oh gods Theo you feel so good!" Smirking to himself he flipped himself under her and allowed her to do the rest of the work, only one girl got special treatment and it wasn't this one.

Right as he was about to find his much needed release the bedroom door was thrown open. Shrieking, Lavender pulled herself off of Nott and he came all over the black silk sheets. "Fuck you wanker!" Nott hissed at the intruder.

"Oh do shut up Theo." Hermione spat out. Surveying the situation she gave Lavender a small smile and watched the girl claw at clothing on the floor. "Hello Lavender, fine morning isn't it." Lavender just nodded and ran for the door.

"Sorry. Not really actually, but brunch is ready and Blaise doesn't want to wait anymore." Turning towards the door to leave Theo reached out and stopped Hermione. Moving her over to a table with a mirror and razor blades he motioned for her to sit in an ornate wingback chair.

"Why don't you come get a pick me up before we eat?" Taking the razor blade and lining up fine pink particles into two lines; undiluted pepper-up potion, much like the muggle drug cocaine. The color reminded her of the raspberry ice cream her and Ron used share at Florean Forescue's during the summer. Squeezing her eyes shut at the pain the memory caused she picked up the gold tube and breathed the powder into her nostril. Theo smiled, running his knuckles down her cheek.

"That's my sweet girl." He said with a demented smile. Grabbing around Hermione he hoisted her out of the chair and placed her standing, facing away from him. His left hand reached under her shirt and cupped her breast. "My sweet sweet Hermione, are you numb from your fucked up feelings yet? Numb from the bad bad memories that you can't get rid of?"

Hermione could feel the cold numbness spread to her finger tips and toes. Nodding her head she relaxed against Theo and allowed him to move her like a rag doll. "You can't feel anything then, what about this?"

Taking the razor blade he just used to cut up the drugs he tilted Hermiones chin back to give himself full access to her neck. "Don't want too much dirty blood on these carpets, Malfoy has been so generous letting us turn this into a whore house while he's out doing whatever the fuck he's doing in France." Bringing the blade to her skin he started to drag it lightly across her skin.

Her breath was coming in ragged puffs now. What the hell was he doing? She felt the cold metal hit her skin and then felt the burning sensation that let her know that her skin had broken open. "wha…what are you doing?" Pressing the blade into her neck harder he squeezed her breast until it would be bruised; Blaise wasn't going to like this. He liked it when her skin was blemish free, and he got her the drugs that made her forget. Theo got her the drugs that made her remember, made her hate herself which is why she wound up in his bed so often. It was like a constant battle between them, Theo would mark her all over get her hopped up and crying. Blaise would use his wand to repair her skin, then stuff her full of a combination of muggle pain pills and pain potions. The sex they had was the closest thing to love making she'd had since Ron.

Luckily for Hermione Blaise strode in just as she felt the blood start to trickle from her wound. "Mate you are fucked up. Let's eat before the warming charm wears off., No need to be savages and eat cold eggs benedict.

Theo dropped his hold on Hermione and she crumpled to the floor. Curling into a ball she waited for Theo to leave, Blaise sauntered over and whispered nice things in her ear. Grabbing his hand to stand up they left the bedroom. "Astoria and Pansy will be here later to take you to Diagon Alley to get a dress for the ball tonight. Try to be semi coherent yeah?" Nodding her head to show she understood Blaise planted a kiss on her temple. He always knew how to make her feel better.

000

"Why the fuck are the Greengrasses having a ball tonight? What do they have to celebrate?" Nott asked as he sat down for brunch. It was a tradition in Hermiones new group of friends to get together Saturday mornings and gossip about everyone. She knew none of these people cared about her, save for Blaise, but it was nice to be with people who tried to numb their pain the same way she did. They were the own little group of sad little people. Too much money, time and good looks. It was recipe for one of them dying like James Dean or Marylin Munroe.

The only person missing that would have rounded them out was Draco Malfoy. After his pardon from Azkaban he and his mother left the country for France. Draco told Theo to stay at the manor and have whoever he'd like over; but that when he came back he had to move out. The Manor became a club house for them, they got ready for balls here and crashed here when they got too drunk and aurors had to escort them home. Hermione was here more than at her flat. Harry could find her at her flat and make her read stupid brochures about rehab and getting help, which reminded her that she needed the burn the ones that he left after the confrontation this morning. She didn't need help; she needed her daughter and Ron back.

Taking a sip of her mimosa she turned to Blaise and awaited his explanation. When none was given she went about eating her breakfast. The food had no taste and she wasn't really that hungry but Theo told her that "she was too fucking skinny" so she made an attempt at eating. After a few quiet moments Blaise spoke up, "its Mrs. Greengrasses birthday so Lord Greengrass is throwing a ball in her honor, so that's what they have to celebrate, they've obviously asked specifically for Hermione." Hermione shook her head and both boys snickered.

Since she started abusing prescription drugs and alcohol and hanging out with the people who made her life hell at Hogwarts, the upper echelon of pureblood society decided that she was the new accessory to have. Invites from all the pureblood mothers came rolling in; they wanted to be seen shopping, lunching and doing other mundane pureblood things with her. She gave in because most of the time she didn't care. They'd take her to the priciest shops in Diagon Alley and the poshest restaurants and fawn over her. It became a running joke amongst her friends, until Tracey Davies decided to take it too far and speak to the Daily Prophet about it. Tracey told the Prophet that she thought Hermione had a prescription drug problem; it took Harry the better part of a week to release a statement that it wasn't true. Some of the lesser known Purebloods wouldn't be seen with her, but the more well-known ones could care less about a "supposed" habit. Tracey got hers in the end, Hermione called her out in front of everyone at the Goyles Yule Ball that she had daddy issues because she'd fuck guys that were 2 and 3 times her age.

Yes they all had their issues. The issues were the problem it was how they dealt with them. Hermione couldn't deal with her past, so she drugged herself to the point of oblivion. Traceys father passed away in the war and tried to make up for his absence with sex from older men. Daphne was obsessed with pepper up potion to keep her awake because the memories of her families' manor being burnt down by Voldemort kept showing up in her dreams and she never slept. Notts half-blood girlfriend was tortured to insanity by a Death Eater and was current residing in St. Mungos with no recovery in sight; he liked fucking Hermione and causing her pain to deal with it. The only one that seemed normal was Blaise, she wasn't really sure why he was in their fucked up family.

The sound of the Floo network drew Hermione out of her thoughts. Looking up she saw the thin figure of Daphne strolled into the dining room. "Hello loves. Whose got the goods? I know Hermione isn't usually this coherent looking." Hermione chuckled before responding "Theo, in his room. You'll need a new blade though." She added at the last second and it gained her a sympathetic look from the girl. Blaises eyes darkened over and looked at Nott. Theo was eating his brunch as if he didn't just slice her skin open this morning.

"Very well then, when I'm done Hermione we have to get to Diagon Alley to get robes for my mums ball tonight, she's very excited to see you. Like always, you're such good press for her." She tapped Hermiones cheek twice before leaving.

Sighing Hermione downed her mimosa in one drink. Setting the crystal down she stood up to ready herself for the trip. "We'll be in muggle London today Hermione, we need to stock up on your product." Theo stated with a wink.

Gods she fucking hated him.


End file.
